TBM 3/52: That’s Not What They Are Hearing

I was chatting with a friend recently. She was struggling with her job, and her efforts to talk to her manager were falling flat. The conversations were going like this:

Friend:

I’m really worried about X.

Manager: 

I understand that X is challenging, but X is hard everywhere. Some people seem to be able to ignore X and do a good job. Some people are able to find creative opportunities to address X.

The manager’s response frustrated her. She kept trying to explain herself, and things kept going in circles. Neither person felt understood. Round and round.

We were chatting about this, and she said something so incredibly important (to me):

I’m getting to a point where I’m not sure how to be good at my job 

It clicked! And not just for our discussion, but for countless similar discussions I’ve had in the past – in her shoes, and in the manager’s shoes. That one phrase was an incredible breakthrough for me personally.

Imagine I wrote it another way.

Friend to Manager:

Why haven’t you fixed this. Are you incompetent? This is happening under your watch, and you’re ignoring it. You’re OK with mediocrity. You’re not being a great manager. We’re going to fail here. You are going to fail here. Leadership doesn’t know what they are doing. You’re doing a bad job at watching out for me and my needs. Everything moves SO slow here. You are hurting other people! Don’t you have anything better to do?

Manager to Friend:

You have to deal with it. Other people are dealing with it. You’re not doing a good job. You aren’t creative. You aren’t smart enough to figure this out. You are overreacting. I don’t value your perspective. You have to suck it up. You need thicker skin. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. You can’t get a better job. Other people are more resilient. I had to be more resilient to get to where I am. Be positive. As long as we suck less than the other people, we’ll be ok. I’m going to keep moving the goalpost until you crack.

Below the surface, this is what we hear (at least once the threat response has fired).

There is the surface discussion that probably feels circular, mildly annoying, a bit frustrating…and then the subconscious discussion which hits every button in the book. 

“I’m getting to a point where I’m not sure how to be good at my job” was the most pure description of what she was actually FEELING.

We all want to do a great job. We all want a sense of autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Some people, at least, care about the well-being of those around them. When it feels like that is out of reach, or that the people you care about are collateral damage…it hurts. It hurts like a loved one discounting your feelings, feeling invisible and abandoned, or a teacher giving up on you and your abilities.

But we don’t typically say that out loud. We talk about something that is “wrong” with the company, or in retort “our problems are just like other companies”.

This is magnified by whatever personality/worldview we have. If someone believes that people should be resilient, and should largely focus on themselves, then a collectivist view will get under your skin. If someone believes that community is important, and that it is important to care for the collective wellbeing of the team, then an individualist view will get under your skin. People problem for some. Systems problem for others.

So what? Why is this important?

Nothing groundbreaking here, but if you are caught in a loop at work, it is highly likely that something else is going on. It is important to step back to think about how you FEEL. How the situation is making you feel. And how your team member is feeling based on what you are saying.

Maybe you feel:

• Bored

• Distrusted

• Minimized

• Unappreciated

• Worried about people

• Uncertain

• Unable to do your job well

• Abandoned

• Objectified

If the way you are talking about it isn’t working, something is going to need to change. Because it isn’t about what is being said. It is about what is being felt. And what is being felt can run VERY deep. On both sides.

No, it might not be safe enough to express how you really feel.

But you might be able to find a way forward.