The punchline: We frequently get pulled into Catch-22 arguments and discussions. No matter what we do—at least the normal gut options—we lose. But awareness is a gift. In this post, I aim to provide that awareness and some strategies to find better outcomes.
Nice piece! Have definitely seen these traps and felt the rising frustration of the ensnared.
But... Don't underestimate the power of laughter as a way to introduce a reframe. "<laughs> Interesting! So if you were looking out for signs this had changed for the better, what would they be?"
Stepping back to consider the evidence for the argument could be a way to start a reframe without just bumping into the trap (not: But I'm not defensive!! Rather: Cool, so what would "not defensive" look like?)
Hey John, I really appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable to illustrate this great point about self sealing arguments! And, as long as the purveyor of the self sealed argument is not a psychopath or sociopath, this sort of vulnerable approach, perhaps using non violent communication to share the impact of the argument on you, is a skillful way to respond. Non psychopaths/sociopaths are likely to reflect on their approach if it upsets other people.
This distinction of psychopaths/sociopaths sounds pretty interesting, David. Is there any way to identify them before it's too late? Something you would recommend to learn more about this, would be great.
Hi Elena, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt (not diagnose others) and intentionally behave in ways that assume that they're not psychopaths or sociopaths because a) I'm not a mental health professional and b) the disorders are present in approximately 1% of the population (each). That said, I do make a point of not opening up/being too vulnerable too quickly e.g. I'll share something small (that's not an open wound for me) first and only share more if the person doesn't exhibit sociopathic (lack of empathy) or psychopathic (use of their empathy/charm to manipulate me/the situation) traits as a result of my initial (or later, more vulnerable) shares.
Love this. I think humans would make tremendous social progress if more people understood the difference between beliefs/stories vs truths/facts and were willing to examine their own thoughts as potentially not true.
Finally, someone said it! I agree with Waqas that it takes a certain level of self-honesty and reflection to avoid projecting this onto others or falling into it yourself.
The pros and cons mentioned in the article are helpful in offering ways to navigate situations or conversations that feel self-sealing. I also think that simply knowing how to recognize the signs that you’re in one or projecting a self-sealing argument would be very helpful.
This post has impeccable timing. Thank you for this insightful commentary on what can be commonplace inside organization learning to work with one another in the era of accountability.
Great post John as always. I have used tactics like "Need sometime for things to sink-in" or let's try to figure out where things started falling apart. During the lay-off, I just surrendered as I knew I cannot play, let alone win against the power play :)
Hi John, great piece once again... I wish I could say I've never done this to someone, but I can say I've been on the receiving end... time and time again. Painful experience. We all need to work harder for each other to be better.
Nice piece! Have definitely seen these traps and felt the rising frustration of the ensnared.
But... Don't underestimate the power of laughter as a way to introduce a reframe. "<laughs> Interesting! So if you were looking out for signs this had changed for the better, what would they be?"
Stepping back to consider the evidence for the argument could be a way to start a reframe without just bumping into the trap (not: But I'm not defensive!! Rather: Cool, so what would "not defensive" look like?)
Hey John, I really appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable to illustrate this great point about self sealing arguments! And, as long as the purveyor of the self sealed argument is not a psychopath or sociopath, this sort of vulnerable approach, perhaps using non violent communication to share the impact of the argument on you, is a skillful way to respond. Non psychopaths/sociopaths are likely to reflect on their approach if it upsets other people.
This distinction of psychopaths/sociopaths sounds pretty interesting, David. Is there any way to identify them before it's too late? Something you would recommend to learn more about this, would be great.
Hi Elena, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt (not diagnose others) and intentionally behave in ways that assume that they're not psychopaths or sociopaths because a) I'm not a mental health professional and b) the disorders are present in approximately 1% of the population (each). That said, I do make a point of not opening up/being too vulnerable too quickly e.g. I'll share something small (that's not an open wound for me) first and only share more if the person doesn't exhibit sociopathic (lack of empathy) or psychopathic (use of their empathy/charm to manipulate me/the situation) traits as a result of my initial (or later, more vulnerable) shares.
Oh my. And also thank you for not pitching easy answers and therefore staying true to the issue.
Love this. I think humans would make tremendous social progress if more people understood the difference between beliefs/stories vs truths/facts and were willing to examine their own thoughts as potentially not true.
Finally, someone said it! I agree with Waqas that it takes a certain level of self-honesty and reflection to avoid projecting this onto others or falling into it yourself.
The pros and cons mentioned in the article are helpful in offering ways to navigate situations or conversations that feel self-sealing. I also think that simply knowing how to recognize the signs that you’re in one or projecting a self-sealing argument would be very helpful.
Awesome topic, John. It takes real intellectual honesty to not trap someone or fall into this trap
This post has impeccable timing. Thank you for this insightful commentary on what can be commonplace inside organization learning to work with one another in the era of accountability.
Great post John as always. I have used tactics like "Need sometime for things to sink-in" or let's try to figure out where things started falling apart. During the lay-off, I just surrendered as I knew I cannot play, let alone win against the power play :)
Hi John, great piece once again... I wish I could say I've never done this to someone, but I can say I've been on the receiving end... time and time again. Painful experience. We all need to work harder for each other to be better.
Loved this one. Illuminate the gaslighting.
We've planned a podcast about the specific traps that come with the "high agency" narrative, but didn't have a name for it.