TBM 413: In That Space Is Our Power

One thing I’ve noticed (and experienced firsthand) is that when change agents advocate for a better way of working, there’s a moment that feels extremely unfair. The burden of proof is all on you. You’re tiptoeing through nonviolent communication, channeling your utmost curiosity, trying to connect, trying to not rock the boat, and still somehow ending up in the position of having to prove that what you’re seeing and feeling is even real. Suddenly, you’re on the witness stand.

It’s a deep human need to feel understood, to be listened to, to not be immediately dismissed. That’s part of why this lands so hard. You wish someone would just say, “Tell me more.” But that rarely happens. Or when it does, there are a lot of strings attached, or the curiosity is short-lived.

The response?

• “That doesn’t happen in the real world.”

• “I don’t think A-players need that.”

• “That’s too [insert process-focused, utopian, buttoned-up, unreasonable].”

• “Great. Now explain how we can actually do that… here.”

• “You need to be more [insert open-minded, go with the flow, pick your battles, etc.].”

And what those responses often convey, directly or indirectly, is that your perspective, your hopes, your ideas are invalid. You’re putting in all of this work. At least on some level, you believe you are being open-minded and accepting of different views. And the message often lands as a mild inconvenience. A hassle. Harshing the vibe.

Yet, there are ways to reframe this and not let these moments drain your energy, your spirit, and your passion.

First, some perspective. Ask yourself: were you curious the last time someone challenged one of your deeply held beliefs? It’s tough for anyone to have their identity challenged. That’s not unique to the person you’re talking to. It’s human. It’s also easy to forget what that feels like and imagine yourself somehow above the normal response, even among people who think of themselves as open-minded. We all imagine we’ll be more open-minded and curious when challenged than we actually turn out to be, even on the best of days.

Second, realize that your need to be heard and acknowledged is also a core part of your identity, just as someone else’s need for the status quo to remain intact is tied to theirs. You are both operating from a point of vulnerability and both defending your professional identity. It is very easy in these situations to start ascribing agendas and motives that are wildly blown out of proportion.

Third, put these situations in context compared to the relationships you have with your longtime friends, your family, and siblings. Most people we interact with at work are acquaintances and “situational friends” at best. While it is inspiring to be validated by these “situational friends,” and people you may have come to respect professionally, they are a very far cry from the relationships you have that transcend that particular company.

It is easy to equate the two: the boss or manager as the older sibling who may have dismissed you, or to compare them to the loving parent who met you where you are, but that is a huge stretch. Ask yourself how many people really stay in touch from your work life. Also (and I think this is thankfully very rare), realize that there are unscrupulous people out there who will manipulate this deep need for validation for their own motives. Don’t fall for it.

Fourth, you have to ask yourself the extremely hard question: “What do I want?” What change are you seeking, and if you were to step back, is there really a chance in hell that logic, comparisons, hearing what works elsewhere, etc., will make a difference? Imagine you ran a psy ops team, and your goal was to manipulate people to change their behavior. Would you really suggest the “hey, I think we might want to try” approach? Or would you start showing, not telling, and generally manufacture conditions where everyone somehow woke up thinking X was a good idea, and their idea?

When you ask yourself that question, sometimes the answer is, in fact: “I want to feel validated, to be listened to, for my perspective to be taken seriously,” which is an important thing to know, especially in the context of the workplace, where it is rare for conditions to truly support that (as much as we might wish otherwise).

When we deeply acknowledge our needs, our pains, and our feelings, while also using the evidence in front of us to understand whether those needs are actually being met, something shifts. Yes, it is painful. But you aren’t controlled by that pain. It goes from all-consuming, to something that no longer dictates your next move.

Because we all know what happens next, when that hurt turns into an escalation.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power…” — Viktor Frankl